Dealing With Disappointment

One of the toughest lessons to learn in life is how to handle disappointment.  Our youth got a crash course in dealing with disappointment recently when the mission trip we were to take to Mexico City over Spring Break was postponed due to inclement weather preventing our flight from making the trip. The students worked countless hours fundraising, wrote letters, raised over $17,000, trained, packed, and traveled to Billings only to come back home and unpack their suitcases without venturing to their destination. It was very disappointing; there is no way around that. The oft-used cliché, “that’s life” is not very helpful yet it is accurate. All of us are forced, more than we’d like, to make the best of disappointing situations. Our postponed missions trip is a great opportunity for the team to learn how to soldier through disappointment to a brighter day.

Those people who cannot “roll with the punches” find themselves in a miserable life. Many people who are overcome with frequent disappointments are overcome not because of the volume of disappointments they deal with, but are overwhelmed due to their expectations in life. When we demand perfection from our lives, we are disappointed. The happiness of many people is determined on life’s circumstances being perfect. When it is not, they pout and pout often.

Think about the people you like to be around the most. Why do you like to be around them? More than likely they are cheery and optimistic. Meanwhile, the people you avoid are often the “Eeyores” you encounter daily. You know the type, the ones for whom the glass is always half-empty. The reality is that if you were a fly on the wall of both people’s homes, you’d probably find that they share the same amount of disappointments in their lives, they just handle them differently.

So what should I do to handle disappointments better? Here is what I do in dealing with disappointment:

1) Expect disappointment. This doesn’t mean become a pessimist, nor does it mean you become paranoid. It just means that when something bad happens, you’re not caught off guard. The Bible flat out tells us that this sinful world and sinful people (of which I am one) will hurt us and let us down.  Jesus tell us in John 16:33, ^“I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.”(ESV) Notice the full verse? We will have tribulation, but we can soldier through it in peace because we have Christ as our advocate.

2) Look for opportunity. One of the greatest opportunities you have to be a witness to others is to be optimistic and positive in the face of disappointment. The leaders on the missions trip had a great chance to show the kids calm and positivism in light of disappointment by remaining positive and pointing out some of the cool opportunities that could come out of a trip postponement. The peace we are given by Christ, as mentioned in John 16:33, is something that will surpass human understanding. (Philippians 4:7) We want to draw people to Christ. Disappointments often give us an opportunity to cling to Christ and show we trust Him regardless of blessings or disappointments. People will take notice if we are able to handle life’s storms with s smile on our face. When they ask how we are able to handle it, we have a golden opportunity to share Christ with them.

3) Give yourself limited time to pout.  It is ok to grieve a disappointment and even pout. The key is to allow yourself a limited time to pout. This means fighting against your natural inclination to feel like a victim, or to shout “This isn’t fair” at the sky. It is okay to embrace these emotions briefly, then emerge from your self-inflicted cloud and attack your gloominess by being proactive in seeking a way out. Moving into service, activity, or spending time with a healthy relationship can help the healing and process of moving on.  Don’t become a “Debbie Downer.” If you consistently complain about the problems this world is inflicting upon you, you will eventually find yourself alone. Be a person that trusts God knows what He is doing, and act like you trust Him. Find ways to serve Him. It is not only a good antidote to depression, but also answers the call to the Great Commandment (Matthew 22:37) and Great Commission (Matthew 28:19-20)

The Bible is chalked full of characters who experience disappointment and challenges throughout their lives, many of which are caused by God Himself to teach the person something valuable. We should expect the same and handle it with Grace and proactivity. We find happiness in our worldly successes, but ultimately we will only find joy in the peace we have in Christ. Learning this lesson will save a lot of wasted emotion and turn your disappointments into an effective tool for Christ. 

At The Risk of Sounding Repetitive...

Sometimes, as a youth pastor, I feel like a broken record, or that I’m beating a dead horse, or whatever cliché you’d like to use. This is one of those times. If I could have the attention of every Christian parent in America for 10 seconds, the one message I’d want to convey in those 10 seconds is: “Get a Facebook account and befriend your teen so you know what they’re doing online!” Many teens have me as their friend on Facebook, yet not their parents. I think many of those teens forget that I am their friend on Facebook, as some of the things they post I doubt they really want their youth pastor to see. I have been recently discouraged by some of the musical artists, video clips, pictures, or all-around comments of teenagers who have grown up in a church environment and know better.

The first, and most effective way of guiding a teenager through the online world is for their parents to be plugged in and courageous enough to parent in the world of cyberspace. They can always “drop” their youth pastor from their friend list if the youth pastor calls them on the carpet for bad online behavior. They can’t drop their parents, if their parents make their “Facebook Friendship” a requirement for their teen to have a Facebook account.

The world has become so much smaller than it was in the 80’s and 90’s, when the parents of this teenage generation were teenagers. There are some remarkable benefits to this. I have friends on my Facebook from not only every corner of the United States, but also from foreign countries such as Haiti, India, Nicaragua, and Jamaica. But with these benefits comes the potential for an unending stream of negative influences, dangers, and bad decisions. This isn’t necessarily a Biblical message; it is a message of common sense. If we are to take Christ’s command to raise our children to love God with all of our hearts, mind, soul, and strength, we must use common sense and stay plugged in to what our teens are doing online, and with whom. Be strong and hold your ground when it appears your child is making a bad decision online. They may not like it, but you may save them from a decision that could have life-long consequences. In order to do this, we must take the first step and join the online community.

-Pastor Adam

My Facebook Rules

I think every Christian, both young and old, needs to set for themselves “rules” for what they’ll post on Facebook. I say this because there seems to be a disconnect between what we believe and what we post on Facebook. Colossians 3:17, if written today, I think would say: “And whatever you do, whether in word or deed – or online – do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through Him.” (italicized words added by me). I’m not re-writing scripture here, as I believe the “word” portion of this verse covers Facebook posts, but it seems that for many Christian Facebook users, this is not the case. I actually do have a set of Facebook Rules I use for myself when I post my status updates and links.

1. Facebook is not my therapist! Please, please do not whine or complain on Facebook. We are supposed to draw people toward Christ with the hope that we display. Whining on Facebook does not project “Hope,” it projects self-centered pity parties.

2. Don’t cuss! This should be a no brainer. It’s one thing to let a bad word slip in the heat of the moment. Another thing to put it out there on a status update, which shows intentionality.

3. Build up, don’t tear down. I’ve actually seen husbands and wives rip their spouses on Facebook. Facebook is a great opportunity to validate your friends and family, use “the force” for good.

4. Ask: “Will I have to apologize later for what I’m about to post?” Before you post, imagine you are literally standing in front of the hundreds of people that are on your friend list – all of them, including that one you added but can’t remember how you know them. If you’d say what you are typing if you were standing in front of them, then go ahead and type it. Otherwise, find a way to communicate what you want to say in a non-offensive way. I’m not saying to lose your spine and not hold an opinion on anything. I’m saying, find a way to communicate in a way that you won’t regret later. I obviously feel that homosexuality is a sin, and am pro-life, for example, but I also have pro-choice and gay friends on Facebook. I strive to hold to my beliefs in a way that isn’t compromising, yet is not angry, militant, or sarcastic. I want my non-believing friends to come to Christ. We’ll worry about the rest of our differences after they find Him.

5. Ask: “Is what I’m about to post going to glorify Christ, or embarrass Him?” We are direct reflections of Christ on this earth. The term Christian means “little Christs.” So when I post a link to a band, a picture of myself, or a comical website, will those links glorify Christ or not? I’m not saying each of your posts needs to be a “Christian” band, website, or picture of a kitty-cat with a Bible verse in a thought bubble. But, by posting a picture of myself in a bikini (you can throw up now at that mental image), or posting a link to a band whose lyrics are flat out contrary to how we are to live, we give a poor image of Christ to those viewing our page.

In the end, as Christians, we have to remind ourselves that we are “on the clock” at all times. As parents, our teens are going to mimic how we behave, assuming our behavior is acceptable in Christ’s eyes. As teenagers, how we act, and the things we post, might be the only Christ our classmates will ever see. The Christian life comes with some pressure and responsibility, but handling it is not really as difficult as we make it. I challenge each of us to make our “online” life more glorifying to Him.

Precious Death?

One of the things I wasn’t prepared for when I went into ministry was the frequency with which I’d be facing the sad subject of death. Several times each year I am in the position of talking with people who are struggling because of a family member or friend passing away. It has forced me to try to mentally and emotionally process how a person is to Biblically respond to the grief that accompanies the sudden passing of a loved one. While this article is too short to completely delve into the topic, I do want to share a couple ideas that have helped me as I try and work through the pain of losing someone.

The first thing for Christians to realize is that grief is normal and acceptable. Many well-meaning Christians offer the platitude of “they’re home with the Lord now,” and then expect those grieving to suddenly feel better inside. Jesus Himself mourned to the point of sobbing over the loss of Lazarus, and this was while knowing that he’d raise him from the dead (John 11:32-37)! So allowing ourselves to grieve, cry, and hurt is acceptable and even healthy for us. It also can bring us closer to God through our pain if we turn toward Him as our great counselor (Psalm 34:18 & 147:3).

In grieving, I then try and view death from God’s perspective, which can be difficult. But the most helpful and comforting verse I’ve come across in dealing with death is Psalm 116:15, which says: “ Precious in the sight of the Lord is the death of his saints.” How can death be “precious” to God? Because we were made for so much more than this lousy world has to offer. We were created for God (Col. 3:16) and to walk and talk with God face to face, like Adam and Eve did. When you examine what the Garden of Eden was like, and what the New Jerusalem will be like, you see remarkable parallels. We realize that God didn’t give up on His desire for us to commune directly with Him when Adam and Eve fell. Instead, His redemptive plan ends with us living eternally with Him, as originally intended, without pain, sin, suffering, illness, bickering, or death. Those believers who have passed away were greeted in heaven with rejoicing as they now get to live with Christ as God originally intended. This is precious to God as He desires an eternal relationship with us, and upon our leaving this temporary home, we finally get to live with Him (and other believers) forever without the obstructions that this world has to offer.

The Value of Big Ears

In watching Soul Surfer recently, I really appreciated how the Hamilton family stuck together through some very tough times. I also noticed, however, that Tom Hamilton, Bethany’s father, struggled with the same thing most dads struggle with when their child is faced with a crisis: we like to problem solve. I am often guilty of not taking the time to listen to what my wife or children are struggling with; instead I dive straight into the “problem solving” role. I begin to offer advice, or put myself into the middle of the fray, which often leads to whomever I am trying to help shutting down. Tom Hamilton does the same thing in Soul Surfer, pushing Bethany and offering unwanted advice to the point where his daughter started to shut him out, if only for a brief time. My own son, Eli, does the same thing. If something bad happens at school, he is often reticent to tell me what is going on, as he’s afraid I’m going to offer him all sorts of advice. I’ve learned, through experience, to just shut up and listen. My family needs me, most of the time, to allow them to express their emotions, hug them, or cry with them. Then, once the initial emotion has been released, to offer my “nuggets of wisdom” that I think I have.

I think God is in agreement with this. James 1:19 says, “My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.” Proverbs 18:13 declares, “He who answers before listening – that is his folly and his shame.” There are several other Proverbs and verses that emphasize the importance of listening first, then speaking. As parents and leaders of teenagers, we can often dismiss the problems our kids face as no big deal, or as typical teenage issues. In doing so, we fail to realize that their whole world is teenagedom. So when they face their difficulties, we must be willing to listen, empathize, and value their emotions. We also have to resist the urge to fix the problem for them immediately and try to move on. We absolutely need to intervene when necessary, and offer advice based on our life experience, but only after we’ve valued what they’re going through by listening to them. Teens, this is also advice to use with your friends. True friends listen genuinely and intently to what their friends are going through, and even ask “Do you want my advice?” before offering it.

God gave us each other to lean on, cry with, laugh with, pray with, and experience life with. Focus on building a solid foundation with your family and friends by listening first, then offering your tangible assistance. In doing so, the person you are trying to help, will realize you are genuine in your efforts.

It Really Does Matter What The World Thinks Of You!

Does it matter what the world thinks of you?

The above question is often answered by Christians with an emphatic “NO, it does not matter what the world thinks of me! Jesus loves me and that’s all that matters!” While I don’t necessarily disagree with the ideology behind the statement, I do think it is naïve and misguided. I say this because I believe strongly that it indeed matters what the world thinks of us, as believers.

This is never more evident than in the case of Daniel. We all know the story of the lion’s den, but notice, for a moment, the predicament Daniel’s accusers were in. They were upset because a Jew was one of the three administrators that ruled over them. They wanted to remove him from not only his position of authority, but from the earth altogether. They had a big problem though; Daniel’s life was flawless. Daniel 6:4-5 says, “At this, the administrators and satraps tried to find grounds to charge against Daniel in his conduct of government affairs, but they were unable to do so. They could find no corruption in him, because he was trustworthy and neither corrupt nor negligent. Finally these men said, ‘We will never find any basis for charges against this man Daniel unless it has something to do with the law of his God.’” Daniel lived his life in such a righteous way, they couldn’t even make up a charge against him as he was so far above suspicion. Instead, they had to zero in on his relationship with God and try to make that illegal.

How do you live your life? If someone really wanted to snare you with an accusation, would they find it difficult? Would people find it hard to believe that you had done whatever you were accused of? Or is your character or lifestyle one in which people wouldn’t be surprised at all. I’ve had times in my life in which people would not have been surprised to find that I had done something I shouldn’t have. The worst part of my guilt was feeling like I had given a bad representation of Christ to those non-believing friends who knew I claimed to be a Christian, but lived the same they did. As a “little Christ” (what the term “Christian” means), I reflected poorly on my Savior.

Too many Christians live hypocritical lives, and then boldly declare they don’t care what people think of them and all that matters in Christ. If all that matters is Christ, then why don’t we try to live to please Him first and foremost? If we care so much that Jesus loves me, why don’t we live in appreciation of that wonderful fact? Darius, in trying to encourage Daniel before he gets dropped into “the den,” cries out to him that he hopes Daniel’s God, “who [he] continually serves” will rescue him (6:16). Daniel was known for constant servitude to God. I want to be known for that! Wouldn’t that be cool! 1 Peter 3:16 warns believers to live life with a “clear conscious” so that people can only persecute us due to our faith, instead of our hypocrisy or moral failures.

This is not an attempt to propagate legalism. Instead, we should strive to love Christ with all of our hearts, living to please Him. In doing so, we’ll shine a light toward Him and away from ourselves. Our testimony can damage Christ in the eyes of the world if we refuse to take seriously the idea that people are watching us, all of the time, to see if Christ is really a life changer. Thank goodness for Grace, or we’d all be lost, but we need to take our lifestyle and morality seriously for the sake of growing God’s kingdom.

- Adam

The Danger of an Insecure Father

One of my all time favorite comedy programs is The Dick Van Dyke Show. Now, through the wonders of Netflix, I can watch it to my hearts delight. I recently watched an episode, however, that kind of hit a bit close to home to me – a husband and father of three. In this episode the father figure of the show, Rob, becomes very insecure at work, to the point that he thinks his co-worker is conspiring against him to take his job. It gets to the point that Rob thinks he is losing his ability to do his job well, while the other employee is suddenly shining in the boss’ eyes. Rob’s insecurity transcended into his home, where his insecurity started manifesting itself everywhere. He became paranoid and insensitive with his wife Laura, and harsh with his son Richie. Finally Richie asks his Laura “What’s wrong with Daddy?” to which Laura responds, “Daddy just doesn’t like himself right now.” Richie answers, poignantly, “I like daddy better when he likes himself.”

Richie’s comments hit me hard as I, as much as I don’t want to admit it, am quite sensitive at times and become my own worst enemy. My thought life runs wild and a small mistake quickly becomes a massive deal in my own head. The next thing you know, I think I am completely inadequate and start beating myself up verbally. The byproduct of this downward spiral is that it inhibits our ability to lead our families the way God wants us to. We become short with our wives and harsh on our children, not because of anything they’ve done, but because we are really mad at ourselves.

Dads, we need to remind ourselves that we too are God’s children. Our perfect Father created us for a purpose and loves us unconditionally. That doesn’t mean we don’t make mistakes, big ones at times, but we strive to improve, not wallow in our failures. Paul exhorts us to “Forget what is behind us and strive for what is ahead.” (Philippians 3:13) God, our Abba Father (translated: Daddy), calls us His children and has prepared in advance good works for us to do (Ephesians 2:10). We become ineffective in our God given task of being lights for Him (Matthew 5:16) and leading our families (Ephesians 6:4), when we selfishly entertain the negative thoughts we have about ourselves. We need to be honest with ourselves and look for areas where we need to improve, but the goal is to work toward improvement, not self-destruct. We will fall short of what we desire to be and what God expects of us, as we are fallible people, hence the necessity of Christ’s sacrifice on the cross and subsequent resurrection. When we feel inadequate, we need to recognize that with Christ we are adequate to complete the job He has given us: to lead our families, and be an example of Christ in the world.